Monday, August 2, 2010

Navigation and Destination

It has been a very busy and interesting 3 months since our departure from the Santa Clarita Valley and our wonderful church, friends and community. The retreat was good, the trip to Uganda was amazing and now what... What is next Lord? I have found myself asking this question quite a bit. I am accustomed to being so much busier, so much more productive, needed (or at least the illusion of being needed), involved, connected to His body. Here in Las Vegas it is as expected; very lonely HOT, and uncomfortable. As I said, all is as expected. I have been here before, done this. We have moved and started over before. But never before have I left so much of myself behind. So many of my dreams for the future and all in good things that I was certain were God's will for my life. I am not saying that those dream, homes, plans and desires are not still part of God's plan, but that I have, with good reason, been questioning what is my will versus what is His will. So now that the agenda is clear, there are no meetings, groups to lead, leaders to help equip and encourage, no speaking or singing engagements, no church outreaches to plan or attend, no one meeting with me for counsel and prayer I have been seriously pondering my purpose and His desire for me. Am I moving away from my destiny or towards it? Because honestly Lord, this feels like we are going in the opposite direction.

Needless to say I have been fighting off the feeling of aimlessness having to trust that I am not just out here wandering in the literal and spiritual desert. I will confess, I may have been feeling a bit sorry for myself and even whining to God a little between the "What now?" prayers. Eric and I were out driving around on Sunday exploring Las Vegas to get a better feel for the different communities and to just get out of the house for a while. We decided to check out the "Miracle Mile Mall" on the Vegas Strip and entered it into his GPS Navigation system. The directions pointed us in what appeared to be the opposite direction from where we needed to be. We began questioning the accuracy of the directions and the reliability of the navigation system. Was it out dated information? Did it have all the facts? All the latest information? We zoomed out to get a better view of the road ahead and the options available. Once we did this we saw that it was indeed the best route to our destination. It was taking us in the opposite direction but it was all in all the shortest and best route to where we wanted to go. At that moment God spoke to me and said "Sometimes the best route to your destination may appear to be in the opposite direction". I immediately knew what He meant. I repeated it allowed to Eric and laughed and said "Boy, that'll preach!" So silly but just a simple word from Him can turn my questioning into a peaceful trusting. I know that I had been questioning whether or not God was aware of where I was. Had He forgotten me? Was he finished with me? Is this it? Did you lead me out into the desert to die? LOL! Okay.. maybe not quite that dramatic, but I was questioning Him. Was this really the best move for us? Am I where I am supposed to be? I did all I could to follow and had I missed the mark? Was my location registering on God's GPS? Did he have all of the current information on my situation? It made me laugh a little. How can I question God in such a way? Hasn't He always proven to be faithful even in my moments of unfaithfulness like this one? In the middle of my questioning His omniscience, omnipotence and goodness He encourages and reassures me instead of rebuking and correcting me. I will never cease to be amazed at His unrelenting mercy and grace towards me.

So I share this with you, whomever may read this.. all two of you. :O) If you feel a little lost, aimless, invisible and wondering if you are being led in the opposite direction, just trust in your maker. He has the best view of the situation and maybe a few steps in the opposite direction is the shortest and best route to your destiny.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Wake Up, O Sleeper

I Sam 1:8 - And Elkanah, her husband said to "Hannah, why do you weep? and why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?"

I was reading this chapter today and the Lord stopped me cold on this verse. I felt him calling to me as my husband asking me the same questions. I have managed to dip into a bit of a reclusive slump here in Las Vegas. The searching and seeking has seemed to be fruitless so far and I have felt my heart shutting down to anesthetize the ache in my heart for home, friends, church family. I try not to look back but to pres son and look forward. It can be very challenging when there seems little to keep this over active personality busy. Praise God for the Uganda Missions Trip! I miss my daughter and my Divine by Design Diva's. My sister-friends that have been like family. It has left an enormous hole in my heart and life. I have felt the distance growing between me and my Lord and have hit periodic funks of numbness as I retreat further and further into myself. Pulling my famous "Turtle" where I become a recluse until I can find my way back to solid ground, purpose and direction. "Am I not more to you then 10 sons?" This morning this heartfelt plea from my "Husband" were as a splash of cold water to a slumbering soul. Yes Lord, you are more to me than 10 sons or daughters, you are more to me than anything. I will be satisfied in you. Help me to remember that the isolation in the desert is not punishment but discipline that will reap a harvest of righteousness and peace as I press into you and continue to seek after you relentlessly until I find you. If you are silent, if you seem distant, you have not forsaken me but are simply, lovingly, gently guiding and growing me.

Eph 5:13-14 "But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:

"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

An Oldie but a Newbie...

It was the national day of prayer last week and I was on a mission to find a place to participate in corporate prayer. I searched the net and found a church I had been wanting to try out. It was a pretty big church so I was certain they would be having something or at least be able to refer me to a place to pray. I noticed that the prayer started in the afternoon and that they had a morning Womens Bible Study so I decided to give it a whirl. I arrived and immediately flashed back to my childhood of bouncing from one city to another and one school after another. It was so intimidating.

I was wanting to quietly just feel it out from the back row kind of thing, but when I arrived, they had round tables all set up and each table had someones name on it. So I was a little uncertain of where I should go. I hung out in back for a few minutes and the awkwardness of the situation was now in full bloom. I mentally put on my big girl pants and finally just asserted myself and asked for help from the first person who made eye contact with me. I asked where I could sit and they said anywhere really. The names on each table were just the table captains. She sweetly offered to introduce me to some of the ladies but I declined as I wanted to stick to my original plan of discretely observing. I surveyed the room and sat at an empty table at the very back satisfied that I could do my re-con from there.

It was an interesting twist to be the newbie coming in to an established group and gave me a fresh compassion for others in this situation. Especially those women who are new to church or who are not as bull headed as myself. There was a moment when I considered just walking out as I was feeling very emotionally fragile at this particular point in time. Still very tender due to the abrupt upheaval of the move. My heart has not quite caught up with my Faith. I just asked the Lord to help me remember. Help me remember what it is like right at this very moment, when I am the outsider looking in, so that when that new season comes and I am again planted in a church that I have great compassion and empathy for the newbies.

Moving along... my original "discrete re-con" didn't work out the way I had planned as there was a table of "mature" women to my left and they insisted I join them. Not wanting to be rude I kindly accepted. The ladies were going through a study on the basics of prophesy. This particular session had an activation exercise where we would each listen and write down what the Lord spoke. The teaching was great and reminded me of some things I had taught on and some that Pastor James had also shared. As the teacher began to explain about the activation exercise the ladies at the table began to reassure me that they weren't going to make me do anything strange, and that they were big on keeping order and that it was just listening to the Holy Spirit and that they wouldn't want ot make me do anything uncomfortable or strange... I kept trying to reassure THEM that I was really okay with it all. That I understood it and was very comfortable with it but they didnt seem to hear me. It was really comical in an very awkward kind of way. I finally realized that I just needed to smile and nod. they continued to explain about the different kinds of prophesy and how the Office of a prophet was different, etc..etc... I just continued to smile and nod. I mean, what was I supposed to say?? I wasn't about to come in to a new group of ladies and toot my own horn. No... I just tried to be a gracious student as they were all very sweet and encouraging. But again... I thought to myself... Father.... help me to remember to find out what a person knows before I offer to "teach" them. Let me give them the opportunity to be known first and then share with them.

So the group left me feeling very misunderstood to say the least. I was hoping for some kind of connection but it never manifested. I excused myself and explained that I had originally come to find a place to agree in prayer for the national day of prayer and could they give me directions to where the services were being held. They all referred me to the office. I wandered around the campus and finally found the office. The receptionist gave me the directions and I was on my way. I was so excited about coming together in corporate prayer. I am so used to being in sync with my church leaders and church family that I was longing for that sense of belonging. Ironically the receptionist had given me the wrong information so by the time I actually found the National Day of Prayer Services... they were at the ending benediction!! I just had to laugh!!!

I smiled and said "Okay Lord, You are Sovereign. I am getting the message that You are jealous for me and not ready to share yet so you are closing doors". I got in my car and worshiped and prayed alone. The time with Him was sweet. Nothing like being completely undone. I am just resting and pressing into Him believing that He will build me back up and when He is done... I will look more like His Son.

Las Vegas - Day 16

A few of you have suggested I keep a blog so we can keep connected and up to date in what is happening in our lives so here it goes....

Cant believe that I have already been out of California and my beloved Santa Clarita for 16 days. I miss my daughter, my church and my friends like mad. We have been to several churches looking for a place to call home (as long as the Lord has us here) but have not yet decided where that should be. Nevada is different but I trust that God will give me a heart for this place and this people in time.

God has definitely blessed us with a great home so we are off to a good start! The pool is wonderful and I am looking forward to spending a lot of time in it as soon as the insane winds stop blowing. HOWEVER... the Lord did use the winds to speak to me as I was checking out a women's Bible Study last Wednesday at ICLV (International Church of Las Vegas). We stopped to have a few moments of just seeking and listening to the Lord (I really liked that as so few people do that these days and it is something that I really enjoy doing) and the winds were just howling... I was listening to the Lord, seeking any word of knowledge or any word really from his lips, and I heard... the winds of Pentecost are going to blow. I felt like he impressed upon me that he is about to pour out anointing and fire as on the day of Pentecost very soon on his sons and daughters. There is about to be a new wind to blow through the body of Christ, there will be testimony, salvation, healing and a new boldness! I was filled with joy and just began to smile to myself and giggle a little. I think the sweet, friendly and unfamiliar ladies at the table with me probably that I was a little wacky. Anyway... I continued to listen and the lord gave me a few other things... I wasn't sure how relevant they were but jotted a few notes down just the same. Then the meeting moved on and we were to share what we heard.. I didn't share this. I just held onto it and shared something else that seemed irrelevant. Anywho... I went to prayer the next morning and it just so happened that the pastors wife was there and she came up to exhort and lead a part of the prayer. She began to share about a special service they would be having on the 23rd (figures I thought, I will be in California at the Retreat so I will miss it) and how they believed it was the beginning of a season of miracles and healing and that it was actually the day of Pentecost. So COOL! Our retreat is on Pentecost weekend! I didn't even realize that when we scheduled it and how well that married the word I had just received from the Lord. So my Spirit jumped within me and we agreed with a resounding AMEN... let it be as you have said LORD! So I am excited to see what God will do at the Retreat and here in Las Vegas. I just know I want to be a part of whatever He is doing! AMEN?!

On a more personal note, there seems to be a few things that the Lord continues to speak to me. One is that if you want to be different, you must DO DIFFERENT! I know... it's like the old "Definition of insanity" saying, but it spoke to me. So I am on a quest to DO DIFFERENT. I am just allowing Him to lead me in that quest and relying on Him and His direction more than ever before. I know that God wants more of me so He can do more in me and through me. I am also learning to get back to just being his daughter and letting that dictate my value and purpose rather than how well I am performing or succeeding at whatever task or ministry service may be at hand. My identity is not based in what or how I do, but simply whose I am. I know that, but needed a good refresher course as that performance based value system runs deep and is easy to slip back into especially when you are busy "doing" for the "Lord". Ya know?!

So to summarize... it has been difficult, but I do see God in it. I am not yet at a place where I can say I am enjoying it, as the sting of leaving my church home is still ever-present, but I trust that the season of joy is coming.

I am looking forward to seeing my daughter and all of my Divine by Design ladies in 9 days! Yes I am counting the days until we are able to fellowship and worship together! So I leave you with this thought...

Jn 17:20 - 26 "I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.25"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."