In Between

Ever feel like you don't fit in the world, and yet don't really fit in the church either??? Well.. I DO! Been wrestling with this for a while... mulling it over... pondering, asking God to help me to understand or to change whatever needed to be changed in me. Then I started thinking about Jesus and his disciples and realized that I was in great company! Not saying that there aren't A TON of things that God is still working on in me... but just that my faults weren't the issue here. I wasn't made to "fit in". He made me for Himself... for His glory and for His delight! Wow. Cool. Then add to that the fact that His own son didn't quite "fit in" the church or the world either... and that all the disciples followed in the same vein. It seems to me that our world today is so very like the world when Jesus walked the earth. Lots of buildings filled with people following their religious rules, arguing about who's right and splitting into factions that support what they believe. Judging who is and who isn't more righteous and holy all the while forgetting to LOVE God and LOVE His people. While the world is broken and searching, seeking to fill the void with whatever their hands find; trying to be a good person or to measure up to what success looks like by the worlds standards. Jesus was peculiar... not seeking for mans approval though with His wisdom and understanding surely he could have easily climbed the religious social ladder and with his ability to communicate and counsel could have easily made many friends and allies and been a success in business. But He chose to live a peculiar life of total surrender to the will of God. Living every moment to glorify and exalt the Father by walking according to the principles of the Kingdom of God which are so opposite of the way we live here on this planet. So I am at peace in my role here in between... Seeking to learn more about His Kingdom and how to really live my life as a citizen of heaven here on earth. Though I realize it will be a bit lonely and will ruffle feathers on both sides as the typical church goers are sure to think I am a heathen and heathens are sure to think I am a hypocrite.

Solid ground in a mudslide.

Sometimes life feels like you're running uphill in a mudslide. The more you try the further you slip, sink, and fall. Here is where I find my faith is tested most. Where my emotions scream for control. Here is where I have a nanosecond to choose to act according to my spirit or my flesh; to choose to see with my natural eyes or my spiritual eyes; where I can submit to, invite and proclaim the Kingdom of God and all that it holds or submit myself to the kingdom of this world and the sin that rules it. I'd like to say that I always succeed in living in the Kingdom of God, but all too often I allow how I feel to dictate what I believe. But even in this... I find Him. I am reminded of David and Noah. I think of David and his heart that was so in sync with the fathers and how God used David to reveal that deep love for us in I Samuel 17. When Saul questioned Davids ability to defend Israel against Goliath the giant Philistine David responded "“Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, ³⁵ I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth.". When I read this I was immediately reminded that His heart is always towards me. And then I think of Noah and how God revealed again His nature and His heart in the telling of Noah after the flood. When they had again settled and planted vineyards. One night Noah, not realizing how fermented the wine had become, got drunk. When his son saw that his father was passed out naked he went to get his other brothers to show them. The other two brothers walked in backwards and COVERED their fathers nakedness. God's heart is always to rescue and to cover me. Even when I am carried off by (lions and bears) thoughts or circumstances that aren't of Him, He will come after me and destroy that which is trying to carry me off and devour me. Even when I have made bad choices, mistakes or acted foolishly... He doesn't seek to expose my sin or weakness but to cover it all and bring me back to His heart.

So even in the mudslide I still find solid ground in the lovingkindess of my Abba Father and His precious son Jesus that He sent to rescue and cover all my sin. It never ceases to cause me to well up with praise, worship and overwhelming gratefulness to Him for all He is and reminds me of how truly blessed I am despite any earthly challenges or circumstances.

Turtle No More!

Been struggling my whole life with slipping into "turtle" mode when I am hurt, vulnerable or offended. I have known it is not what God wanted for me but never realized the cost; never knew why He called it doing the "Turtle", until recently. Went from a long glorious season of serving, sowing, reaping and glory to glory, to a season of being stripped bare and isolated; knowing all along that it was my fathers hand that was doing it... Something about new wine in old wine skins ;)

Sooo anyway... 9 months later breakthrough comes and revelation begins to flow like sweet wine. He immediately begins speaking to me about His Kingdom, walking me through the armor of God in Eph 6 all over again. Like a brand new baby. It was so rich. Morning after morning hand feeding me scriptures and teaching me where I was in each passage and where He was wanting to take me. One morning I awoke after a dream about searching in a box full of crowns and crowning my husband with different crowns, but none of them were right. They were not the real crown... and I knew it. I couldn't find the real crown to place on his head. With each one he would just look at me and scrunch up his face (Kinda like Paul Rudd) as if to say "Iiiii dont think so". It was kind of funny but also frustrating as I really wanted to give him the most precious and beautiful crown I could. Anyway... (I digress) I woke up to Him speaking "Elijah, Elijah, Elijah". So I ask, as I do every morning, "What are we going to read today Lord?". I ask through the resounding "Elijah" refrain ringing in my ears. Yea.... I never said I was bright. Pretty sure He was thinking of me when He wrote 1 Cor 1:27 - 29 " But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him." So when I finally clear the slumber from my head and "aha!" discover that He is saying to read about Elijah I then try to remember where Elijah's story begins. I remember my dream.. crowns.... Kings!! I open my Bible to 1 Kings 18 "Elijah on Mt Carmel". I turn back one page and it is my study BiblesPersonality Profile on Elijah. I read it, I read Elijah's story all the way through noting what God is pointing out and then go back to dig a little deeper. (Stick with me here... I promise I am going somewhere with this! We are about to get back to the turtle!)

Under Elijah's profile two things jumped off the page. One was that his most amazing and miraculous accomplishment wasn't Mt Carmel as some might think, but rather the intimate relationship that he had developed with God; and Secondly that his biggest mistakes were isolating himself from other believers & then running away in fear. I had never realized just how much Elijah and I had in common. Elijah was a turtle too!

The next night I have my dream about caring for a bunch of babies. For the sake of time I'll not go into it here. God continues to build upon yesterdays lesson taking me the next day to Matt Ch 18. Teaching me about being child-like, the responsibility of caring for the children (hello dream), and the power of forgiveness. Here's where it really starts getting good! Matt 18: 15 - 35 is all about the Forgiveness! He shows me to not run away and cut off relationships when I am hurt or offended but to instead seek to restore relationship according to the Spirit of God and so participate in the Kingdom of God. (Again reiterating to me that we are subjects of the Kingdom of Heaven and not subject to the ruler of this world) He reveals that the Spirit of this world would tempt us to walk away from difficult relationships or from confronting offenses and instead nurse our wounds in private, isolating ourselves (separating from the body... division) one relationship at a time, destroying our ability to trust and hardening our hearts.

Or perhaps we choose to lash out in anger and hurt in return for hurt, giving way to our "rights" to stand up for ourselves, feeding our pride and independence - further separating us from our dependence on Him and the humility of His Spirit - resulting in the same isolation (division), bitterness and lack of trust.

Or Maybe we choose the less dramatic but more deceptive and manipulative method of playing the victim, spreading gossip under the guise of seeking prayer and counsel while never really pursuing restoration of relationship but rather seeking justification of our offense and unforgiveness. Which not only causes the aforementioned hardening of heart, lack of trust and isolation but also contributes to feeding a Spirit of Division within the body of Christ.... causing others to participate in your sin. Eeeoouuuch!

As subjects of the Kingdom of God we are to pursue peace and unity, humbling ourselves and seeking restoration and reconciliation no matter what the offense. That we should respond from our Spirit and not react in from our flesh. Or put another way participating in the divine nature as opposed to our human (sin) nature. Respond in the power and love of the Spirit He put within us - tapping into and releasing the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth. When we walk in unity, focused on His Kingdom and not ours, we create an atmosphere where He will dwell and walk with us; we invite the Kingdom of God here on earth as it is in heaven! We invite his power, healing, love, peace, joy, provision, hope, vision... Here we have unhindered access to the very throne of God to actively participate in changing our world through prayer! Forgiveness is a powerful gate to the Kingdom of God and all that it holds. Jesus knew that... What looks and feels like defeat is many times the ultimate victory!

When we behave as subjects of this world we hinder the Kingdom of God and harm those we love, even can cause some of his other children to stumble.. We create division when we are only focused on self protection. He then showed me how I personally had participated in the spirit of this world creating division and causing pain to people as I withdrew my attentions and affections in my attempts at self preservation. He broke my heart as He revealed the high price of doing the turtle! I immediately asked for forgiveness for all that He showed me and asked that He show me where I needed to seek restoration and reconciliation where I had sinned, hurt or caused broken unity. I asked for forgiveness for participating in and exalting any kingdom other than HIS!

He then showed me a visual of why He called it "Turtle". Like a turtle retreats pulling in his head... we stop interacting... we separate and keep conversations surface in an effort to prevent further injury. Pretty soon we pull in our arms completely shutting down our serving others and reaching out to others. Before you know it... you have your legs pulled in now and you are not walking at all. You are "dead in the water" so to speak. So doing the Turtle kills your walk and hinders others.

So to all my fellow Turtles out there... Let's let the Holy Spirit bring the conviction and revelation necessary to transform us into the eagles God has called us to be! Following the example of our Savior who for the joy set before him bore the sin and shame of the cross, forgiving all of our sins and opening wide that gate to the Kingdom of God that we now walk through. Let us be true to the name Christ - ians. Let us be peacemakers willing to sacrifice all of the flesh for the sake of unity & forgiveness. Peacemakers who will reap a harvest of righteousness! Let's stop being subjects of and to the kingdom of this world and begin participating in thedivine nature of God; walking in and as a blessing as Subjects of the Kingdom of Heaven; manifesting His Kingdom here on earth.

Hope this translates from my heart to yours and brings encouragement and freedom for you as it did for me. Sorry it's so long!! I tried to keep it as short as possible!