An Oldie but a Newbie...

It was the national day of prayer last week and I was on a mission to find a place to participate in corporate prayer. I searched the net and found a church I had been wanting to try out. It was a pretty big church so I was certain they would be having something or at least be able to refer me to a place to pray. I noticed that the prayer started in the afternoon and that they had a morning Womens Bible Study so I decided to give it a whirl. I arrived and immediately flashed back to my childhood of bouncing from one city to another and one school after another. It was so intimidating.

I was wanting to quietly just feel it out from the back row kind of thing, but when I arrived, they had round tables all set up and each table had someones name on it. So I was a little uncertain of where I should go. I hung out in back for a few minutes and the awkwardness of the situation was now in full bloom. I mentally put on my big girl pants and finally just asserted myself and asked for help from the first person who made eye contact with me. I asked where I could sit and they said anywhere really. The names on each table were just the table captains. She sweetly offered to introduce me to some of the ladies but I declined as I wanted to stick to my original plan of discretely observing. I surveyed the room and sat at an empty table at the very back satisfied that I could do my re-con from there.

It was an interesting twist to be the newbie coming in to an established group and gave me a fresh compassion for others in this situation. Especially those women who are new to church or who are not as bull headed as myself. There was a moment when I considered just walking out as I was feeling very emotionally fragile at this particular point in time. Still very tender due to the abrupt upheaval of the move. My heart has not quite caught up with my Faith. I just asked the Lord to help me remember. Help me remember what it is like right at this very moment, when I am the outsider looking in, so that when that new season comes and I am again planted in a church that I have great compassion and empathy for the newbies.

Moving along... my original "discrete re-con" didn't work out the way I had planned as there was a table of "mature" women to my left and they insisted I join them. Not wanting to be rude I kindly accepted. The ladies were going through a study on the basics of prophesy. This particular session had an activation exercise where we would each listen and write down what the Lord spoke. The teaching was great and reminded me of some things I had taught on and some that Pastor James had also shared. As the teacher began to explain about the activation exercise the ladies at the table began to reassure me that they weren't going to make me do anything strange, and that they were big on keeping order and that it was just listening to the Holy Spirit and that they wouldn't want ot make me do anything uncomfortable or strange... I kept trying to reassure THEM that I was really okay with it all. That I understood it and was very comfortable with it but they didnt seem to hear me. It was really comical in an very awkward kind of way. I finally realized that I just needed to smile and nod. they continued to explain about the different kinds of prophesy and how the Office of a prophet was different, etc..etc... I just continued to smile and nod. I mean, what was I supposed to say?? I wasn't about to come in to a new group of ladies and toot my own horn. No... I just tried to be a gracious student as they were all very sweet and encouraging. But again... I thought to myself... Father.... help me to remember to find out what a person knows before I offer to "teach" them. Let me give them the opportunity to be known first and then share with them.

So the group left me feeling very misunderstood to say the least. I was hoping for some kind of connection but it never manifested. I excused myself and explained that I had originally come to find a place to agree in prayer for the national day of prayer and could they give me directions to where the services were being held. They all referred me to the office. I wandered around the campus and finally found the office. The receptionist gave me the directions and I was on my way. I was so excited about coming together in corporate prayer. I am so used to being in sync with my church leaders and church family that I was longing for that sense of belonging. Ironically the receptionist had given me the wrong information so by the time I actually found the National Day of Prayer Services... they were at the ending benediction!! I just had to laugh!!!

I smiled and said "Okay Lord, You are Sovereign. I am getting the message that You are jealous for me and not ready to share yet so you are closing doors". I got in my car and worshiped and prayed alone. The time with Him was sweet. Nothing like being completely undone. I am just resting and pressing into Him believing that He will build me back up and when He is done... I will look more like His Son.

Las Vegas - Day 16

A few of you have suggested I keep a blog so we can keep connected and up to date in what is happening in our lives so here it goes....

Cant believe that I have already been out of California and my beloved Santa Clarita for 16 days. I miss my daughter, my church and my friends like mad. We have been to several churches looking for a place to call home (as long as the Lord has us here) but have not yet decided where that should be. Nevada is different but I trust that God will give me a heart for this place and this people in time.

God has definitely blessed us with a great home so we are off to a good start! The pool is wonderful and I am looking forward to spending a lot of time in it as soon as the insane winds stop blowing. HOWEVER... the Lord did use the winds to speak to me as I was checking out a women's Bible Study last Wednesday at ICLV (International Church of Las Vegas). We stopped to have a few moments of just seeking and listening to the Lord (I really liked that as so few people do that these days and it is something that I really enjoy doing) and the winds were just howling... I was listening to the Lord, seeking any word of knowledge or any word really from his lips, and I heard... the winds of Pentecost are going to blow. I felt like he impressed upon me that he is about to pour out anointing and fire as on the day of Pentecost very soon on his sons and daughters. There is about to be a new wind to blow through the body of Christ, there will be testimony, salvation, healing and a new boldness! I was filled with joy and just began to smile to myself and giggle a little. I think the sweet, friendly and unfamiliar ladies at the table with me probably that I was a little wacky. Anyway... I continued to listen and the lord gave me a few other things... I wasn't sure how relevant they were but jotted a few notes down just the same. Then the meeting moved on and we were to share what we heard.. I didn't share this. I just held onto it and shared something else that seemed irrelevant. Anywho... I went to prayer the next morning and it just so happened that the pastors wife was there and she came up to exhort and lead a part of the prayer. She began to share about a special service they would be having on the 23rd (figures I thought, I will be in California at the Retreat so I will miss it) and how they believed it was the beginning of a season of miracles and healing and that it was actually the day of Pentecost. So COOL! Our retreat is on Pentecost weekend! I didn't even realize that when we scheduled it and how well that married the word I had just received from the Lord. So my Spirit jumped within me and we agreed with a resounding AMEN... let it be as you have said LORD! So I am excited to see what God will do at the Retreat and here in Las Vegas. I just know I want to be a part of whatever He is doing! AMEN?!

On a more personal note, there seems to be a few things that the Lord continues to speak to me. One is that if you want to be different, you must DO DIFFERENT! I know... it's like the old "Definition of insanity" saying, but it spoke to me. So I am on a quest to DO DIFFERENT. I am just allowing Him to lead me in that quest and relying on Him and His direction more than ever before. I know that God wants more of me so He can do more in me and through me. I am also learning to get back to just being his daughter and letting that dictate my value and purpose rather than how well I am performing or succeeding at whatever task or ministry service may be at hand. My identity is not based in what or how I do, but simply whose I am. I know that, but needed a good refresher course as that performance based value system runs deep and is easy to slip back into especially when you are busy "doing" for the "Lord". Ya know?!

So to summarize... it has been difficult, but I do see God in it. I am not yet at a place where I can say I am enjoying it, as the sting of leaving my church home is still ever-present, but I trust that the season of joy is coming.

I am looking forward to seeing my daughter and all of my Divine by Design ladies in 9 days! Yes I am counting the days until we are able to fellowship and worship together! So I leave you with this thought...

Jn 17:20 - 26 "I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, ²¹that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. ²²I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: ²³I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. ²⁴"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.²⁵"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. ²⁶I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."