An Oldie but a Newbie...

It was the national day of prayer last week and I was on a mission to find a place to participate in corporate prayer. I searched the net and found a church I had been wanting to try out. It was a pretty big church so I was certain they would be having something or at least be able to refer me to a place to pray. I noticed that the prayer started in the afternoon and that they had a morning Womens Bible Study so I decided to give it a whirl. I arrived and immediately flashed back to my childhood of bouncing from one city to another and one school after another. It was so intimidating.

I was wanting to quietly just feel it out from the back row kind of thing, but when I arrived, they had round tables all set up and each table had someones name on it. So I was a little uncertain of where I should go. I hung out in back for a few minutes and the awkwardness of the situation was now in full bloom. I mentally put on my big girl pants and finally just asserted myself and asked for help from the first person who made eye contact with me. I asked where I could sit and they said anywhere really. The names on each table were just the table captains. She sweetly offered to introduce me to some of the ladies but I declined as I wanted to stick to my original plan of discretely observing. I surveyed the room and sat at an empty table at the very back satisfied that I could do my re-con from there.

It was an interesting twist to be the newbie coming in to an established group and gave me a fresh compassion for others in this situation. Especially those women who are new to church or who are not as bull headed as myself. There was a moment when I considered just walking out as I was feeling very emotionally fragile at this particular point in time. Still very tender due to the abrupt upheaval of the move. My heart has not quite caught up with my Faith. I just asked the Lord to help me remember. Help me remember what it is like right at this very moment, when I am the outsider looking in, so that when that new season comes and I am again planted in a church that I have great compassion and empathy for the newbies.

Moving along... my original "discrete re-con" didn't work out the way I had planned as there was a table of "mature" women to my left and they insisted I join them. Not wanting to be rude I kindly accepted. The ladies were going through a study on the basics of prophesy. This particular session had an activation exercise where we would each listen and write down what the Lord spoke. The teaching was great and reminded me of some things I had taught on and some that Pastor James had also shared. As the teacher began to explain about the activation exercise the ladies at the table began to reassure me that they weren't going to make me do anything strange, and that they were big on keeping order and that it was just listening to the Holy Spirit and that they wouldn't want ot make me do anything uncomfortable or strange... I kept trying to reassure THEM that I was really okay with it all. That I understood it and was very comfortable with it but they didnt seem to hear me. It was really comical in an very awkward kind of way. I finally realized that I just needed to smile and nod. they continued to explain about the different kinds of prophesy and how the Office of a prophet was different, etc..etc... I just continued to smile and nod. I mean, what was I supposed to say?? I wasn't about to come in to a new group of ladies and toot my own horn. No... I just tried to be a gracious student as they were all very sweet and encouraging. But again... I thought to myself... Father.... help me to remember to find out what a person knows before I offer to "teach" them. Let me give them the opportunity to be known first and then share with them.

So the group left me feeling very misunderstood to say the least. I was hoping for some kind of connection but it never manifested. I excused myself and explained that I had originally come to find a place to agree in prayer for the national day of prayer and could they give me directions to where the services were being held. They all referred me to the office. I wandered around the campus and finally found the office. The receptionist gave me the directions and I was on my way. I was so excited about coming together in corporate prayer. I am so used to being in sync with my church leaders and church family that I was longing for that sense of belonging. Ironically the receptionist had given me the wrong information so by the time I actually found the National Day of Prayer Services... they were at the ending benediction!! I just had to laugh!!!

I smiled and said "Okay Lord, You are Sovereign. I am getting the message that You are jealous for me and not ready to share yet so you are closing doors". I got in my car and worshiped and prayed alone. The time with Him was sweet. Nothing like being completely undone. I am just resting and pressing into Him believing that He will build me back up and when He is done... I will look more like His Son.